Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You walk the talk a lot and it’s a good thing, but learn to take it easy my dude.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Maybe this week, you could try to keep up with the rest of your friends and make up your mind faster. It really doesn’t matter where you go to eat lunch.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the seducing power of Gemini’s five-gallon bottle of Axe cologne.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - A genie will grant you a billion dollars if you go one week without saying the word “iconic”.
Leo (July 23 - August 23) - Try to focus on anything NOT ‘you’ related for more than 30 seconds.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23) - You always seem to think that people can handle your jokes. Even though you just say things to be funny, it can get out of hand sometimes, buddy.
Libra (September 23 – October 23) - You’ve been trying hard to become a better person, but by next Wednesday, you’ll discover you have a favorite professional wrestler.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 22) - Venus in retrograde falls in Scorpio and Libra until November 15, and Mercury retrograde starts right after that. So in other words, good luck.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) - Just the usual my friend. Stuff your face on Thanksgiving and spend your money on ungrateful people for Christmas.
Capricorn (December 21 – January 20) - You always assumed ladybugs were sweet, innocent creatures, but in reality, any creature in sufficient numbers could gnaw your leg to the bone.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Please walk faster, for the love of God. Not to the point where you’re looking like a running anime character but just enough to let people behind you with long legs walk a decent pace.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - You will never achieve your full potential until you overcome your most personal battles. Declare war on jeggings.